What is Communication?
With over half of the marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, learning to communicate effectively with your partner is crucial. Three common communication misdemeanors in marriage are overreacting, changing the subject and blaming each other, but with motivation and persistence, you can learn constructive communication patterns that can improve your significant relationships and rekindle the intimacy in your marriage. But before we can talk about effective communication, it’s important to understand the destructive communication that permeates millions of marriages across the country. Here is a conversation between Jim and Priscilla, a married couple who have one son, Henry:
Jim: You create so many problems. Why did you tell Henry he could try out for football when he hasn’t been getting good grades? You always mess things up.
Priscilla (defensively): I do not mess things up! Your problem is you never do anything but sit in front of the TV. If you spent more time with Henry, he would be doing better at school. I always end up doing all the work, and sometimes I wonder why I even married you.
Jim (harshly): You are always putting too much on Henry’s plate and setting him up for failure. What kind of mother are you, anyway?
Can you spot the problems in their pattern of communicating? Jim and Priscilla attack each other with an overuse of the word “you,” and they make exaggerated statements like “You always mess things up.” They changed the subject from Henry playing football to Jim watching TV, to spending more time with Henry, to Priscilla’s mothering. Their marriage is headed for trouble unless they get some form of relationship therapy to improve their communication. But just what is communication?
Communication: the act of communicating, intercourse, exchange of ideas, conveyance of information.
The very definition of communication includes an exchange of ideas from each side. When people overreact to one another, as often happens in close relationships, the actual exchange of ideas is blocked, and the possibility of reaching a mutual understanding is diminished. Over time, this lack of understanding often leads to resentment, which can gradually erode the intimacy in a relationship and lead to the ending of relationships that potentially could have become extraordinary. Developing intimate and fulfilling relationships with significant others can lay the foundation for wonderful lives. As a specialist in relationship therapy, (hyperlink if new site allows) I believe that relationships are our most valued resource. But just what is effective communication between two people?
Effective communication is sending the message you want to deliver, in a way that is understood by the other person. It is a two-way process that helps you productively deal with the important topics and common conflicts that are part of life. It involves being proactive in bringing up a problem and being patient in terms of listening while holding back and containing your feelings. Some barriers to strong communication include passivity, problems taking turns, and a lack of curiosity about the other person. Effective communication has many rewards such as more intimacy in your significant relationships, satisfaction and success in life, and positive relationships with your loved ones, friends, clients, customers and acquaintances.
You often have to deal with a variety of people to reach goals along your path, andeffective and empathic communication can help you build successful relationships and work as part of a team to get things done. If you grapple with a mental health challenge, you may want to find a coach, relationship therapist, minister or friend to help you with issues that make effective communication difficult.
Here are six important skills that contribute to the art of effective communication:
1. Become Aware of Your Thoughts and Feelings
If you observe a toddler,you generally seesadness, anger, happiness, joy, love and fear. These are the core emotions, and they often exist in a cluster. It’s important to become aware of therange and depth of your feelings and tohang in there with them long enough to understand what you want to communicate and how you want to word your message. If you have trouble knowing what you feel or want, it can help to write down, three times during the day, how you feel about a significant or stressful event. For example, if your spouse gets annoyed with you for not picking up your clothes, you can note whether you feel annoyed, angry, hurt or frustrated as well as other thoughts that are on your mind.
Eric often felt annoyed with his wife, Angela, for nagging him about picking up, but by taking a day off and staying with his feelings longer, he was able to calm down and learn that he also felt hurt. In the process, Eric also became aware of what his thoughts were toward Angela. Eric would think to himself, “Gee, Angela is such a nag, she is always on my case.” Instead of talking to her about this, he would often resort to giving her the silent treatment, which is an example of “passive aggressive behavior,” and it infuriated Angela. By taking a time-out, Eric was able to get clear about both his thoughts and feelings, and then he could figure out what he wanted to communicate.
Communicating that you feel hurt is much more likely to be heard by a partner than communicating annoyance or anger. In relationship therapy, anger is often considered to be “the lid” on hurt. Knowing you are hurt enables you to soften your message, which can greatly contribute over time to an exceptional relationship. Stay with your feelings long enough to identify the deeper feelings and get clear what you want to communicate. Eric became stronger as a man as he developed his ability to be aware of the range of his feelings and to speak up to Angela instead of sitting on his feelings. This took some courage, but the process became easier over time.
2. Go from Confusion to Clarity
If you are new at getting in touch with your feelings, it may take some time to identify your deeper feelings and get clear about your intended message. You may feel confused and need to stay with the confusion long enough to reach a state of clarity. Most people don’t like the feeling of confusion and will try to get out of this state. However, learning to tolerate some uncertainty is central to cultivating stronger and more dynamic relationship skills. It’s totally normal to feel confused as you overcome defensive reactions and get to what is deep inside. People who are learning to be in touch with their feelings often need to go through periods of confusion to develop the ability to connect with core emotions. With practice, you can learn to become more connected to your core feelings, which can greatly lead to more intimacy over time.
Keep a journal or make notes: Regularly writing about your confusion can help you sort out your deeper feelings. You need to hang in with your inner self until you get some sense of what you are feeling. Remember, a healthy person knows what they feel and what to do about it. Try on the different feelings (anger, sadness, fear, excitement, frustration), and see what fits. You may have milder versions of these five feelings such as annoyed, hurt, anxious or upset, but they can all facilitate sharing about yourself rather than telling your partner what she or he did wrong.
Eric kept a journal about his feelings (possible hyperlink to Feelings article if site allows) and wrote about his anger toward his mother. This enabled him to realize that he was still angry and hurt by his mother’s treatment of him while he was growing up and that these feelings were getting triggered by Angela’s requests. Later, he was able to tell Angela that old feelings about his mother were leading to his rebellious behavior in their relationship. When a partner is able to truthfully talk about a desire to rebel, he or she reduces the probability of actually rebelling. Eric told Angela that he wanted to be closer to her and wanted to work on taking charge of his messes. This meant a lot to Angela, and she softened towards him and let him know she wanted to work on her style of communication.
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